My latest cycle of IVF was successful! After three and a quarter years I was pregnant. I’ve been visualising this moment in detail for months and I felt exactly like I thought I would, excited, relieved and so so grateful. However at our six and half week scan the nurse could not find a heartbeat and the yoke sack was not as large as it should be. I had a blood test and the level was only slightly lower than it should be so was told that although it did not look great miracles do happen! Quite literally that was the doctors prognosis. We had to hold out for 9 days and then have another scan were it was possible that little dot would of sped up growth and be back to conforming with the norm.
I felt like I’d been told our son (I had a strong feeling that he was a boy, all my imaginary pregnancies have been girls!) was lost at sea so he was probably gone but not to mourn yet as he might turn up next week!
When I had the scan I panicked, two week waits are bad enough, when you are told that you need to go away and wait it out, oh and you might have a miscarriage at any moment, the level of limbo land just got serious!
But something amazing happened, I didn’t deteriorate into a mess of anxiety as I thought I would, I actually remained calm and even managed to have some really lovely times during those 9 days. When you practice mindfulness you realise that it is impossible to label an entire period of time as negative or awful as each moment is brand-new and we can choose how we respond to the things that are happening to us and the thoughts that we think about them.
During this time I employed many of the tools that I share in the Embrace course, mindfulness meditation, cognitive behavioural techniques to question my thinking and one hell of a lot of EFT.
Three months ago miscarriage was top of my list of my biggest fears but during Embrace we do EFT tapping to overcome any fears we have in regards to conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood and I dissolved this fear along with my ones of childbirth. That might sound incredible to you and it still feels incredible to me and I’m an EFT practitioner!
The main thing I wanted to share with you is really a testimony of how powerful these techniques are. During those 9 days I knew that I would be okay no matter what happened. I’m not saying that I knew that my pregnancy would be okay but I knew that whatever happened I would be okay, I would have the strength to carry on.
Our scan on Thursday confirmed that the baby has not survived and I am now miscarrying.
I intend to allow myself to breakdown if I need to, allow myself to experience all of the feelings that are going through me but I keep coming back to the affirmation:
I let go and trust that it is all happening perfectly, I just don’t know what the bigger picture is yet.
and this gives me a sense of acceptance. I’m aware that maybe it’s not really sunk in yet and I fully expect to have moments of despair and anger in the coming weeks and months. These techniques do not make you immune to emotion but rather give you tools to help you deal with the ones that are overwhelming. My intention with this blog has always been to offer an honest account of experiencing infertility and I have every intention to continue giving a voice to something that usually remains silent. I plan to write more on coping with miscarriage in the coming weeks and really that these techniques through their paces.
Read more detailed blog on how to cope with miscarriage including videos.
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