The Unborn Mother

The-Unborn-Mother-Poem-IVF

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different
I may look the same. Same body. Same life.
But inside my heart is broken
My belly is bruised and bloated from the nightly needles
My vein punctured from the sucking syringe
My eyes are hollow, empty
Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.
I close my eyes and shut out the world
So it is just me and you
My little unborn non-existent baby

You did not stay. You did not grow
Did you choose to up and go?
Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?
Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?
My little unborn non-existent baby.

No one told me, of this waiting, wanting.
Thousands of poems and songs to describe unrequited romantic love
But what of a mothers love when that mother does not yet exist?
The unborn mother. Waiting. Wanting.

No one told me that my wanton empty womb would crave you
No one told me that I would miss you
This deeply, this consumingly.
Nothing has changed yet I am completely different.

Everything I cared about is insignificant
The endless talk, the noise of work
And friends and family
Nothing matters, their lives go on.
My life goes on
But yours has stopped
Did it ever start?

They told me not to but your birthday is etched across my mind
At what point of loss is it acceptable to grieve for you?
To some any number under 12 is not a baby, but a fingers crossed noncommittal half promise of a baby
Less than 8 and you are just a fleeting visitor
Under 4 and you may be labelled as just a chemical miscalculation

And if you only ever existed in my mind?
Does that mean I cannot grieve for the you that never was?
I have never been pregnant, yet I have been pregnant 21 times
Pregnant until proven otherwise
No booze, no blue cheese, no horseriding, skydiving, saunas!

You did not stay. You did not grow
Did you choose to up and go?
Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?
Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?
My little unborn non-existent baby.

People tell me not to think of you and you will come
But they won’t tell me how
Would they tell an alcoholic not to think about drink?
I try but it is impossible not to count to 9 and hope
A spring, summer, autumn, winter baby

Nothing to do but press on with the next round of hormones
But not just yet, let me take a moment to say goodbye.
Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.
I close my eyes and shut out the world
So it is just me and you
My little unborn non-existent baby

You did not stay. You did not grow
Did you choose to up and go?
Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?
Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?
My little unborn non-existent baby

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different

– An unborn mother

I wrote this last year after my second stimulated IUI fail. A year on and I’ve just started an IVF cycle and I can truly say nothing has changed, I am still not a mother, I still live in the same house, am married to the same man, yet I am completely different. Mindfulness and the other mind body techniques I have been studying are allowing me to face this cycle with a strength I did not possess last year. I am not saying that I’m not still vulnerable, angry, upset, but instead of these being my only emotions I can allow myself to step back and take each day, each injection as it comes.

Sending love to everyone out there who is also, as yet, an unborn mother xxxxxxxx

Get the support you need

I left it far too long before seeking help and really hit rock bottom before getting the support I desperately needed. My hope is that you find Embrace Fertility and really make use of all of the support available before getting as low as I did. Check out this blog “How can I support you?” for all of the support available via Embrace Fertility.

Over to you

How do you voice your deepest feelings? Leave a comment below or come and join the conversation within our fertility support community.

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4 Responses to The Unborn Mother

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hey there, I came across your post on a forum and it brought tears to my eyes because I too am an unborn mother and no one seems to understand my pain. I was thinking of having a candle ceremony to tell my nonexistant baby out there that I’m waiting for her and also to grieve that I’m not yet a mom. They all say, relax and you’ll get pregnant but how can you?

    You put what I have in my heart to words and I’m grateful. You acknowledged the millions of unborn mommys out there who are aching to feel that baby in their arms.
    Sending you lots of love and hope.

  2. […] Oh my gosh, amazing. I just read her poem http://embracefertility.co.uk/the-unborn-mother/ and I'm choked. Not all of it applies to me (needles etc), but "You did not stay. You did […]

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