I’ve wanted a family for as long as I can remember. So when I walked down the aisle on my wedding day I felt like all my dreams were coming true. As soon as we were back from our honeymoon safari and the malaria drugs were out of my system we started trying. I remember drunkenly announcing to friends on New Year’s Eve that we were going to start trying the very next day. Looking back, I regret making such a public announcement. Because over three years later I still haven’t shared my happy news.
As the months passed my excitement dwindled and my reaction to pregnancy announcements turned from joy to jealously. I felt lost and left behind. Was this really happening to me? Why couldn’t I get pregnant?
Then we lost someone dear to our family suddenly and unexpectedly. For the first time, I forgot about getting pregnant.
A few days before the funeral I realised my period was late. Unbelievably I was pregnant. My husband and I high fived each other in the bathroom. After 11 months of trying we’d done it.
I started getting sharp pains quite soon. I mentioned them to my mum and sister but was so numb with grief that I pushed them to one side. Until they got so bad I could hardly breathe. I eventually passed out with the pain and was resuscitated before being rushed into theatre with an ectopic pregnancy. My right tube had ruptured and I had severe internal bleeding. I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I nearly died.
Once I healed and had tests to check my other tube was clear, I was ready to try again. My acupuncturist assured me I had a good chance of conceiving again. And she was right. Six months later I was pregnant. I knew I needed to be closely monitored but was confident this was the start of my happy ending. It wasn’t.
I knew the signs and the pains frightened me. I argued with the doctors who told me I was having a natural miscarriage not another ectopic. I refused to leave hospital until they could guarantee I wasn’t in danger. Five days later I was still in hospital but safe. We caught this ectopic before my left tube ruptured and I had two doses of methatrexate to remove the pregnancy. This was a big lesson to trust my instincts and challenge the doctors.
To say I was devastated was an understatement. Was this just bad luck or could I never conceive naturally? I had more tests to check the health of my tube and uterus. They got a clean bill of health – in fact the doctors said they looked beautiful – but I was too scared to try again. My consultant advised us that our safest option was IVF.
I got swept away with the confidence of friends and family. You’ll be fine, they said. You have no trouble conceiving, you just need help getting the embryo in the right place. How wrong could they be. One fresh and one frozen cycle later and not a glimmer of a positive test.
At this point I crashed and burned. I fell into the loneliest and darkest place I have ever been. To the outside world I was happy and smiley but inside I was crying, scared and utterly lost.
I felt ashamed and a failure. I didn’t want to talk about what I was going through as it was just too painful. I distanced myself emotionally from my friends and family while I dealt with my inner turmoil myself. I didn’t feel like me. I hated life and what I was going through.
But somehow, through the depths of despair and months of soul searching, I found a happy place. The only way I can describe it is I let go. I stopped letting fertility define me and trusted my intuition that everything will be ok and I can and will get pregnant.
The Embrace 10 week course has helped me control my thinking and learn to love myself and my body again. When I started Embrace I thought it was totally ridiculous that my thinking was causing my pain – it’s the situation I’m in, not me!
But now I can see that it is my thinking. I accept that right now, in this moment, I am fine. Not dwelling on the past or the future makes my journey easier. My desire for a baby hasn’t gone but I know the best way to make it happen is to feel complete now.
Meditation, tapping, 1:1 support from Naomi and most of all Embrace, have turned my journey around. My affirmation is ‘I am a young, fertile goddess!’
Keeping my mind and emotions on track isn’t easy. That’s what we’re all here to help each other do. Knowing I’m not the only one in this crazy boat is such a comfort. I have met so many beautiful, strong souls through Embrace and for that I’ll always grateful.
I am doing everything in my control to welcome our baby by nourishing my mind, body and spirit. Deep down I know that my happy ending is not a positive pregnancy test. My happy ending is embracing life and enjoying each and every moment. But please let it be a baby as well…
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