It suddenly dawned on me that I’ve been here before, I’m following the same pattern as in the past, the realisation shocks me and is so ironic it makes me laugh out loud.
I’ve been here while trying to conceive, it starts off with my life not looking the way I feel it should, I feel overwhelmed by the decisions I need to make. I’m jumpy, I’m wide awake in the middle of the night.
So I start searching, trying to find the answers, trying to work out what’s wrong and how to fix it. I get temporarily obsessed with the Law of Attraction and to start with it really helps, I get really intentional with what I want more of in my life instead of focusing on what I want less of. Things start shifting and it feels amazing.
But I haven’t dealt with the underlying cause of why I was feeling anxious in the first place. Our bodies are a reflection of our inner thinking, and I’m still having panic attacks and not sleeping. Then I freak myself out and start worrying about being worried, getting anxious about being anxious and angry about being angry*. I start meditating again but find it impossible.
I start to close myself off, cancelling on friends, shutting down, making my world smaller. It’s only now looking back I realise I spent a lot of my time looking down and not making eye contact with people.
Next is finding others who have been where I am now and have moved on so hunt out amazing books and blogs. I start journaling about my experiences and this really helps. I reach out and ask for help, get it confirmed that my anxiety is massively impacting my life. I step up my practise of meditation and EFT, it’s now like flossing my teeth, I know it’s good for me, I know I have to do it but I don’t enjoy it and will avoid it if I can.
Then I get sick of the fact I’m only reading about self-improvement, only thinking about ways I can feel better and only listening to meditation tracks!!! I’m bored of the sound of my own voice in my head talking/thinking about how low I feel. I decide to force myself to start enjoying myself again and realise how long it’s been since I really did something just for me, purely for the sake of having fun. Cue getting messy with paints. (The image above is my painting.)
I get pissed off that I am not enjoying it the way I thought I would. Mark Manson points out that the pursuit of a positive experience is in itself a negative experience*. Think we can all relate to that ladies! I decide to follow my own advice and let go of my need for the moment to look, sound or feel any different to how it already does. I give less of a fuck and magically I relax and start to enjoy it.
In regards to my current mind state the advice from my partner is to ‘ Stop making life more complicated, simplify things and go back to basics.’
i.e. Give less of a fuck.
From my mum ‘You are very intense, you could be less attentive and step back a bit.’
i.e. Give less of a fuck.
Everything I’ve read and know about the mind ‘Embrace the current moment, release all resistance in order to move through it.’
i.e. Give less of a fuck.
I start applying giving less of a fuck to every area of my life. When I feel anxious – instead of desperately trying to feel better I don’t give a fuck (I embrace it) and instantly I feel less anxious. Meditation still feels like a massive struggle – I don’t give a fuck (I embrace it) and sit anyway and instantly it’s easier.
So my mantra for the next few weeks is ‘Give less of a fuck!’
I’ve held off writing this for a couple of weeks as I thought I needed to have a conclusion but actually I think the whole point is that there is no conclusion, no destination, life is a never ending succession of experiences. Sometimes those are uplifting and easy and some are depressing and difficult. It is our thinking about those experiences which affect our mood.
(PS I am now living the life I stuck on my vision board 5 years ago, right down to the two ginger babies and house with a gate in the garden leading to the bluebell woods, so it’s not infertility rocking my boat this time round – Read my story here.)
So I’m not saying give less of a fuck and you will get pregnant/stop being anxious/stop being depressed/stop whatever it is you want less of in your life. But guess what, by giving less of a fuck you might just feel better and if just one person reads this and feels slightly better then it has worth my time writing this.
Giving less of a fuck can mean so many different things, it could mean giving less of a fuck when you feel you need to protect yourself and not meet up with that group of school friends when you feel a pregnancy announcement might be coming. It’s giving less of a fuck when you are exhausted and actually need to take some time off work to recoup. It’s giving less of a fuck when you want to go out and have a glass of wine and eat a massive plate of all the foods your acupuncturist has told you to avoid in order to get pregnant!
So I invite you to start giving less of a fuck about the big and the little things. Just try it.
So what are you going to give less of a fuck about to help you be less stressed and happier on your journey to motherhood? Add a comment below or join the conversation in our online support community.
If you already have your baby and would like to join a supportive group to discuss mindful parenting and what it means to be a mum following infertility join us at Mum & More.
Click on the links to learn more about my FREE online workshop about how our thinking creates reality and to receive your FREE fertility support Pack with meditation and EFT videos and MP3’s. Suitable for anyone trying to conceive, going through treatment or who is now pregnant following difficulties. The majority of the techniques shared will be extremely beneficial during pregnancy and motherhood rather than just needing them now.
* I’ve been reading ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life’ it’s laugh out loud funny I’m only three chapters in but I highly recommend it.
* The feedback loop from hell chapter 2.
* Chapter 1.
Swirl painting of quote image is by my dear friend Emma Tuzzio.
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