Do you ever read down to the bottom of a fertility post to check to see the outcome of the story, knowing that if there’s a baby at the end you just can’t bring yourself read on? Well, shortcut…No baby here!
But seriously, unless it’s just me who’s left thinking I’m incredibly mean and evil for doing this, I would hazard a guess it’s a common self-preservation mechanism we instil because we just can’t bear that feeling.
Well, this year has been different for me.I’ve spent most of this year not trying for a baby (really, not trying, using contraception…not that it makes a difference anyway!), having spent five intermittently doing so, and for the first time in years I’ve felt my version of normal and happy. We’ve been to three festivals this summer, had more good sex than ever, my business has taken off and I’m back to the person who I like and enjoying life again.
My husband has the space to breathe, and ironically he crumbled a bit when this space opened up, probably because he’d held it together for so long through all our stuff which, admittedly, was a lot (losing a pregnancy due to cancer, cancer, surgery, chemo, wait, all clear, wait, try, IVF1, IVF2, pregnancy, lose pregnancy, IVF3) but it gave him the time to get back on his feet, mentally and physically, which I had to all but ignore in the fight to get myself healthy and ok.
What does this mean? I’m not sure. We just haven’t had that conversation in months now. We will probably, likely, have IVF one more time next year, but at the moment I’m pretty keen to put it off. We have been to a few adoption classes and know it is for us just not yet (as in time wise, not in a ‘just one more IVF before I ‘give up’ sense).
I wanted to live again, and we gave ourselves permission to do this. I gave myself permission to be angry, hurt, jealous, upset, worried. I gave myself permission to do whatever it was I had to do to get through that hard time. It meant losing some people from my life, it meant gaining others. It meant spending days crying if I had to, it meant admitting I couldn’t cope to the very people I was trying to be strong around. I had to put down all the sites, all the forums, all the private twitter accounts in order to do it for myself.
I know that I’m at a junction and that my fertility story hasn’t ended yet, so that could be what keeps me buoyant. But I’d argue this is the most susceptible time to hardship – the limbo, the not knowing, the not having quite closed off a path yet. That’s why I’m more able to trust that this is a good piece of work that we’ve done and that it was something too important not to.
No-one deserves to have crap, after crap, after crap, piled on top of them. At some point we have to say enough is enough and we want to live again. Damn it’s hard to get there, but I am so unbelievably glad we have done what we did.
You might be interested to know that I coach and support other people who are going through their own difficult times (anxiety, stress, infertility, cancer, health and more) and that’s possible because I’ve been through it myself (and have extensive professional training – I didn’t just randomly set up without it you’ll be pleased to know :-)) But that training doesn’t always mean it’s easy to support yourself, and it took all my strength to remind myself of who I can be despite infertility and loss.
It doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind on wanting a family, I want it more than ever but I can be and am happy without one in this moment (and there’s the key right? That ‘in this moment’…that’s all we’ve got).
This is super tough. One way or another, something will change and it will start to feel or look different. I can’t say how or when, but just something small will mean it changes, somehow, and it will be different. I know I didn’t believe this, and I wanted to punch people who told me this, but it is true. It doesn’t mean there may be this amazing outcome (I have no idea, no-one does!) it does mean nothing stays the same, everything changes.
Now I’m sounding evangelical, so I’ll leave it there, and wish you all so much love.
No baby here either
Watch out for Emily’s next guest post ‘Top 5 things that got, and continue to get, me through.’
Image courtesy of Pixabay.
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